The Parenting Journey

I have been down with flu the past few days and cannot stick close to Zara.. so i decided to take some time to write about how was the journey thus far..

The past months have been quite a journey as i learn to be a mother..
learning, reading, experimenting about parenting...

The one thing i learnt is really that parenting is like a religion and you should NEVER enter into a debate with anyone about parenting style :p

There are different school of thought for EVERYTHING!
- Eating methods
- Sleeping methods
- what milk formula
- what moisturiser
- discipling methods

There are always different ways of doing things and which is the best way?
I believe, different parents + different child = requires a different method
Even same parents, different child requires a different method
A method works for one doesn't mean it will work for all
but i think parents should be open to try different methods if one does not work, until you find the method that works best for you :)

TRANSITIONS
When a training method is in place, there may be times that you will realise that you are moving backwards in the training.

Take for example: sleep training, suddenly you realise that your child wakes up in the middle of the night for milk.
don't panic :)

There are different transitions that will cause sudden change in habits example:
- growth spur
- travelling
- break in other routines
- sickness
- changes in environment
- new inclusion to family

Don't worry about these periods because they will pass and they do not mean that your method is not working :)

How to go about adopting?

Quite a couple of people asked me about the adoption process in Singapore. So here goes:

#1: Adoption critical
- For couples, both parties got to agree and consent
- Can someone single adopt? Yes, but if you are a male, you cannot adopt a girl.
- Adopter has to be at least 25 years old, at least 21 years older than the child

#2: Sign up for the compulsory Pre-adoption workshop
Do not be afraid that, what if you are still unsure about whether to adopt?
This workshop will help you to better understand what to expect in an adoption, your responsibilities as adoptive parents and the needs of adopted child.
I highly encourage the couple to attend together so that both will be on the same page in terms of the information given.
Equipped with the information you need, it will be easier for the couple to discuss and pray through together before making the lifelong commitment and decision.

Sign up via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/WorkshopPARegistration.aspx

There are different agency providing this workshop that is accredited by the MSF. You can choose the one you prefer based on the date and timing and venue that suit you the most. Personally, Ivan and i went to Touch Family Services. :)

Note that there are also different workshops available, but be sure that you attend the 'Pre-Adoption Workshop' first :)

Once you have attended the workshop and have decided to proceed, go on to the next step.

#3: Apply for Home Study
Home Study is a compulsory study required by MSF. They are carried out by one of the accredited agency of your choice:
- Touch Family Services
- Lutheran Community Care
- Fei Yue Community Services
- Apkim Centre for Social Services

*Each agency have their own waiting period according to the amount of cases they have on hand.
* If you are planning to adopt from China, note that home study report is different and the only accredited agency to do the home study are Touch Family Services and Fei Yue Community Services.

You can submit your online application via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/ApplyForHomeStudy.aspx

#4: Submit hardcopy documents to agency 
There is a checklist of documents you will need to prepare at the end of the form.
Print out the checklist and be sure to prepare and get them ready.
Once ready, submit he hardcopy of everything together at the agency.
The faster you have all these documents ready, the faster they can process your application and arrange for the first interview.

#5: Start of Home Study
The Home Study is done over a period of 5 weeks from the day the first interview starts.
The first interview is often an office interview with someone from the agency. It will usually take one whole day so do keep the day free so that you will not be trying to rush off.

There's a payment of $1,500 that need to be paid, amount may vary slightly depending on agency.

#6: Sign up for disclosure workshop
Around this time, you should start to sign up for the next disclosure workshop.
This workshop is usually held by adoptive parents who shares their experiences and advise on how you can disclosure to your child about their birth.

Sign up via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/WorkshopPARegistration.aspx

#7: Written interview of selected friend and family member
A few people (family + friends) will receive a letter in their mailbox. They are required to answer the questions and mail it back asap. Their response time will affect and may delay the completion of your home study.

#8: Home interview
This is where the agency will send someone to interview you in your home, to see if the home is conducive, whether the people staying with you knows about the adoption and are supportive. When all these are done, you will then have to wait for the final report to be out.

#9: Collect Home Study Report
This is important because you cannot already have a child living with you without this report. It is illegal.

#10: Look for placement agency
Talk to the people you meet in the workshops, some may already have their adopted child and can advise on which agency they went to.
You can also join some forums where they will share their experiences with the agencies.
Personally, i was referred to my agent through one of the parent from the workshop.
My advise, do not go to multiple agencies because you do not want to be caught in between the agencies and do not know which to decide.
As we often say, adoption is not like going to the market to shop for a baby, so we are advise not to choose.

Some of you who knew the process we went through might wonder how come we get to 'choose'. Actually we didn't really wanted to be choosing. In short, what happened to us is this. We waited for a Malaysian baby girl, who turned out to be a boy after birth. Mentally we were preparing for a girl and so it came too shocking to us. So we waited for the next malaysian baby girl, when she was born, we were about to decide when there is another Singaporean going to be born. We decided to go for the Singaporean boy so that we could do cordlife bank for the baby which we think is very important. We proceed to apply for the cordlife bank for the baby even before he is born. After birth, the parents had issues and refuse to put the baby up for adoption which to some extend i think its a good thing if the parents want to keep him. Then the same weekend, a malaysian baby girl is coming to singapore and we arrange to see her even before any photo was sent to us. We went there expecting and knowing that we are going to go for it. And there, lay our baby Zara.

My advise, pray and trust God that He will bring the right baby to you. Though we went through quite a bit of waiting and ups and downs and ups and downs... We knew that baby Zara was reserved for us in a very special way and i believe that God has also reserved the best for you.

Hope these helps whoever has thought of adopting but do not know how to go about doing it. :)

DISCLAIMER: Please note that this post is NOT meant for advertising or encouraging/discouraging people to adopt and i am NOT advertising for any agencies. This post is purely for information purposes only.

(I am) God's adopted people

During this journey, of course many 'what ifs' flooded our minds. what if they feel that they are not loved because they are adopted? What if they want to look for their birth parents? what if? what if? what if? and what if they ask about their birth? how should i reveal it to the child next time?

As all these questions came naturally to mind, i prayed and asked God how should i explain to Zara next time about adoption. And as i prayed, God revealed the best story to me and i teared.

I am not born a Jew, not God's own people by birth.
I am a Gentile.
I am God's adopted people.

Because of His love,
He paid a price (through Jesus Christ) to bring me back to Him.
He made it possible to have a relationship with Him.
He poured out His love over me and took me as His own.
For the first time, i could call Him "Abba Father"
He brought me into His house and gave me a family i did not have.
He promised me a future and placed eternity in my heart.
He prepared for me an inheritance i was not entitled to.
A brand new life.

Adoption has been like a taboo word in most culture and tradition. So is it wrong to want to adopt a child not for some noble reasons but simply because you really wanted a child? Personally, i think that if a couple feels that they have got love to give, why not? How blessed is the child who is given that opportunity to be loved!

We will pour out our love on Zara and teach her the way of the Lord, to the best we know how. Even if, we eventually have our own child, we will love them just the same. Like how God love us unconditionally and without partiality, we aim to do that to the best we know how.

How it started?

In 2014 March, Ivan and i went on a mission trip together to Philippines, Iloilo. This is the first time we signed up and served on missions together and the first time we are on medical missions. Very different from usual mission trips, this trip we had to do medical post at a few different locations, setting up BP stations, consultations and issuing of medication.

At one of the location where the slums are, we saw a very cute little girl and we both fall in love with her. I got to visit her house which was a very small wooden house the size of our usual HDB study room, just enough for a queen size bed, no walking space and the family got to squeeze together and sleep inside.

During that trip, we got to give out toys and stationery to the kids in those slum area and so we give her a cute teddy bear. :)

That was the first time the seed was sown in our hearts, but at that point, there were many things happening at home and we were not sure if we could commit and emotionally able to give full love and support to the child what she will need.

June 2016, i went Iloilo again for medical mission. This time, Ivan was not there with me. When i visited the same slum and saw this girl, she has grown up to be a beautiful little girl. She remembers me and will always come and find me.

After sending this photo to Ivan, he asked if the girl would like to come to Singapore. I would love to, but i think it's going to be a big decision for Ivan as the man in the house, so i told him to think and pray about it before we decide.

During this trip, i got to visit many more houses in the slum where the children are all living in cramped up places, lack of education due to the lack of financial ability to send them to school and some are left to fend for themselves etc. Human trafficking rate was also high. There, the desire to provide a family and a home for these children grew.

We started finding out how can we go about adopting a child from these places. After much research and speaking to different authorities, Singaporeans are not allowed to adopted from Philippines. It's some inter country regulations stuff. Just like we cannot adopt from Korea and Japan and some other countries as well.

After praying and talking through, i personally also spoke to my spiritual mentor who encouraged me to go for it and got me to link up with a couple who also have adopted. Speaking to another family who also have adopted, we were referred to attend an adoption workshop to find out more and to see if we are really prepared for it.

And so, as we research and go for the workshop etc the desire in us grew. It is NOT because our family is incomplete without a child and therefore we choose to adopt. I think Ivan and i are doing fine with children of our good friends running around and for us to dote on all the time. As a family, we are also happy the way we are and of course every family have their own problems or things we need to work out, but those are definitely NOT the reason why we decide to adopt.

Baby Zara was adopted and is now our daughter forever. As much as the joy baby Zara will bring to us, we pray that we will be godly parents to her and provide for her the future she would not have had. Bringing her up in the way and the fear of the Lord.

Gift from God

Some may ask: 'Is there a faith crisis?'
I would laugh at that question.

First of all, we believe that Zara is a gift from God :) going through many different seasons of life in the past 5 years, i think Zara is the best gift thus far.

Though she did not came about as many have expected and could only accept, I believe we have prayed and God has answered our prayer in His very own way.

I believe she is in the plan of God and brought to us through different angels.

Some may know that the waiting process was also not easy through the constant changing and uncertainty about the outcome of the baby. Somehow, we just know that God has reserved her for us.

Romans 8:28

All things works together for the good for those we love Him and are called according to His purpose

Falling in love with her at first sight and every single day after.