The Parenting Journey

I have been down with flu the past few days and cannot stick close to Zara.. so i decided to take some time to write about how was the journey thus far..

The past months have been quite a journey as i learn to be a mother..
learning, reading, experimenting about parenting...

The one thing i learnt is really that parenting is like a religion and you should NEVER enter into a debate with anyone about parenting style :p

There are different school of thought for EVERYTHING!
- Eating methods
- Sleeping methods
- what milk formula
- what moisturiser
- discipling methods

There are always different ways of doing things and which is the best way?
I believe, different parents + different child = requires a different method
Even same parents, different child requires a different method
A method works for one doesn't mean it will work for all
but i think parents should be open to try different methods if one does not work, until you find the method that works best for you :)

TRANSITIONS
When a training method is in place, there may be times that you will realise that you are moving backwards in the training.

Take for example: sleep training, suddenly you realise that your child wakes up in the middle of the night for milk.
don't panic :)

There are different transitions that will cause sudden change in habits example:
- growth spur
- travelling
- break in other routines
- sickness
- changes in environment
- new inclusion to family

Don't worry about these periods because they will pass and they do not mean that your method is not working :)

I am her's and she is mine!

2 Days back, we had our first Baby Shower for the relatives. As usual, relatives will have a lot of 'DOs & DON'Ts' for you. But the best advise i heard that day is " you are the parent so you decide what do and what don't".

Some relatives were 'concerned' that family's friends are asking how come they did not see me pregnant and blah blah blah. They told me that i should not let people know that she is adopted, and maybe i should not post her photos so much on social media to avoid questioning and just 'lay low'.

Yes! I did not disappear from my friends and family members; hide from the world; delete my social media for 9-10 months so that people will think that maybe i was pregnant and they did not know, and i will definitely not stop posting photos of Zara or 'lay low'.. 

Because i will not for a moment be ashamed or embarrass of her!

And not for a moment will i ever want her to feel that we are not proud of her!

She is not an accident. 

She is beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of God.

She is chosen, an elect, destined to be placed into this family and into His house (City Harvest Church)

She is now mine and i am her's

She will have everything i had planned and reserved for my child

Nothing less.

Everyday i am reminded of God's mercy and His goodness in her.

I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine!

Having a helper or not?

"Why do you need a helper?

Why can't you do EVERYTHING yourself?"

- Commonly asked

People who didn't know me well will wonder why did i have to had a helper since end last year. Do i really need a helper when it's just me and my husband? Am i not capable of handling the household chores?

Like many young couples these days, we battled with the thought of NOT having a helper. Not in terms of the need to get one because we cannot handle the housework, but more of the inconvenience of having another person in the house, privacy issues and etc. For 2 years, we have been handling our chores fine and there was no need for a helper.

Since 2012, my in-laws were diagnosed with cancer consecutively. Mother-in-law diagnosed with Ovarian cancer that spread very quickly affecting the Small intestines and soon the Liver, till she was without treatment from government hospitals. In 2013, Father-in-law diagnosed with Colon cancer stage 4 that had also spread around the area. Mid 2014, we were thankful to finally found a good helper who was patient to attend to their needs and took care of them while we were out at work. The battle ended last year, they fought a good fight. My Mother-in-law left us in Aug 2015 followed closely by my Father-in-law in Oct 2015. My in-laws loved our helper a lot, because of the love she had showered sincerely over them and caring for them from her heart. Hence, they promised that we will keep her as long as she will want to work in Singapore. Since then, we inherited our helper.

What has changed since we got a helper?
1) Sacrifice our small room, that was prepared for the baby, so now we got to do away our study room for the baby which is ok. Not too bad a change or too big a sacrifice.
2) Nice home cooked meals. Previously, it was harder because we always got to be at our in-law place so we hardly cook at home and those times we can be home slightly earlier after visiting them, we have chores to do, so we always end up eating out.
3) Privacy issues, definitely you can no longer live like there's no one else in the house.
4) Cafe sessions, hanging out with Ivan and sometimes with our friends. Honestly, this is only possible after we have our helper.
5) Quality time, to build relationship with friends and people important to us and having a bit of time to ourselves for hobbies and entertainment.

Now with Zara around, i am just thankful we have a helper. Not a need, but i am thankful. I get to spend time to play, interact, feed, change her diapers, hugging her... instead of washing endless diaper cloths, laundry, vacuuming the house, mopping the floor, cooking, washing toilet and many more. By the time i finish all these chores, i think i would have missed a huge part of Zara growing up.

I think it really depends on what you feel is important. Many mothers have to go back to work after their 4 months maternity. Thereafter, to have a helper vs to put your kid at infant care, to me it's almost like it's the same. Your baby is under the care of someone and the person is not you. So if by the time you get home from work and have all the chores before you, it reduces the time you have with your kid even more.

As parents, we are not just the provider. We are also the one who shower love on them so they know that they are loved. Protector, how do you protect your child if you are not there for them or don't spend time to know what they are going through in their daily lives. Teacher of life, they grow up observing the way we live, the way we speak and the way we bring them up, how we nurture and educate them will determine who they become. And of course as parents, we are the pastor, the one who will cover them with prayers and teaching them the way of the Lord.

These are what i feel is important and task that should not be passed on to someone else. Don't depend on teachers in school to teach your kids the way of life. Don't depend on Sunday school teachers to teach your kids the way of the Lord. Spend time with your children on what is important.

I am not pro having helper, neither am i against having one. I can only say that i am thankful i have one. Very very thankful. Does having a helper make me a less capable person who no longer know how to do chores? I don't think so. If in the event i no longer have my helper, then i will just do the chores, period.

Acts 6:2 

"It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God

(what's more important) and serve tables."

Silent Night

Why did i choose night routine over the fixed hourly feed routine?

Every option has its pro and cons, its supporter and opposers.

Meaning, i think there's no right or wrong method, just the preference of the parents.

Many people belief that you should feed on a 2/3/4 hourly basis depending on the age and feeding habits of the baby and keep it constant through the day, including the night hours.

As feeding and food is a very important of growing and development, this method is believed to provide a consistent amount of nutrients for the growing baby.

This method of feeding will cause the baby to develop and fixed routine of feeding, including the night feeds.

I wanted to try this in the day for Zara at first, but due to her growth sprout, it seems like her feeding time and amount are not consistent as much as i want it to. For those who believe strongly in the fixed timing feeding routine, does it mean that i shouldn't feed when she is hungry because i want her to fix in the routine? For me, i feed when she is hungry.

So how do we set the night routine?

What we do is, we usually will shower her around 3+pm and feed her after her shower.

At this point, she is quite fresh so we will play and interact with her more.

Then we will feed her again and put her in bed just before sunset. 

Usually by this time she will be very sleepy after the feed.

All activity stops, no switching on of lights in her room.

If she needs to change diaper or anything, it will be done in the dark.

No switching on of lights is a very or the most important step i feel. Because the light causes the baby to be confused thinking that it's day time again and their body automatically become more active in the day.

Do we ignore her cry for milk at night?

Of course not. If she is hungry, she is hungry. Once the sunset and everything is dark, her body automatically tells her that it's night time and it's sleeping mode. She will sleep from evening all the way till 3am and she will wake up crying for another feed. Once day break, she is back to every 2-3 hourly feed.

How do you know the pattern of your baby feeding habit?

Do up a daily time log. It helps to keep track of how much she drank earlier and for you to roughly know what time she will be hungry again.

How can knowing the habit work for our benefit?

We noticed that the longest she can go is to sleep 9 hours straight, hence we introduced another feed at 11pm every night (without her crying for it) so that she can sleep right through. Currently, she will feed at 7+pm just before sunset, 11pm feeding in the dark and most of the time after introducing the 11pm feed, she will only wake up at 6+ or 7am for her morning feed :)

What is other factors that may affect the results?

Personally, i feel that not having the baby sleeping in the same room as the parent makes this training a lot more possible. Firstly, if the baby is in the same room as you, it is very very hard to not on the lights after sunset every night. Secondly, i think most parent will not be able to help it to keep checking if the baby is ok, sleeping well, too warm, too cold.......... and the list goes on........... We need to know that sleep cycle happens every 45mins as we go from light to deep sleep. So you will expect to see that your baby tend to stretch a bit, move a bit, make a bit of noise in the intervals of these cycles. If you can't help it and attend to the baby during these intervals and talking to them and asking them questions, you might end up waking them up from their sleep -> which often leads to the baby feeling hungry and wants a feed or becoming cranky because their sleep is interrupted.

Every baby is different and hence the method may differ too. Like i say in the beginning, there's no right or wrong way. I'm just thankful that this worked for us and Zara. I hope it works for you too! ;) It's never too late or too early to train or develop a routine :)

P.S Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

God in Repetitions

It's been officially 10 years since i graduated from CHBTC (now known as SOT). Most graduates will tell you that they may have forgotten 95% of the theological teachings, sermons, notes and etc.  But the thing they will never forget are the encounters.

However, on my way home from AZ Leaders thanksgiving last night, i was reminded of a sermon that impacted me during my bible school days. I remember it was a Swedish pastor. He started the sermon with the following illustration:

"One day, a pastor of the seminary entered and started to preach to the congregation.

It was a really good and impactful sermon and the people are blessed. 

On the 2nd day, the pastor returned to the class and started preaching again.

After awhile, the people noticed that it was the exact sermon he shared the day before.

Hoping that there might be a twist somewhere, they sat through the whole sermon but in the end, 

it was the exact same sermon! 

3rd day, the pastor came and started preaching again, the same sermon. 

This time, the people were confused and frustrated. 

They reasoned among themselves and was wondering if someone should go and tell the pastor that he had already preach this sermon twice and now the third time. But no one had the courage. 

On the 4th day, as they hear the sermon for the 4th time, many begin to be distracted during the sermon, minds drifting away, falling asleep and some got bitter and left half way. 

Knowing what was on their minds, the pastor continue preaching, the exact same sermon. 

Now the week has come to an end, it was the 5th day. Some did not turn up that day, some came feeling bored and totally lost focus and some were left confused but still kept coming. And the pastor said this, "God is often found in repetition. Most of us hope that our everyday walk with God will be filled with new revelations everyday, signs and wonders, the fire, the wind, the storm... But yet, the Lord is in the still small voice. If we cannot go through the repetitions, we will be disappointed."

If we get tire of repetitions, the bible itself is repetition.. Being in church for so long, we have the danger of 'hearing that sermon before many times'; 'we know what pastor is going to share'; 'we know the revelation of that certain verse or passage already'... Like some of the people in the illustration, we start to loss focus, minds drifted away..

But let us be reminded that God is often found in repetitions. Most of the time, we encounter God not only in mega events or activities, but in the repetition of our daily routines. Our prayer time everyday is often not filled with hair standing, open visions, seeing angels moments.. but simply reading the bible and seeking the face of God daily. 

Just for laugh,

Do you know your PROVIDER?

Baby Constipation

When we brought baby Zara home last Wednesday, she hasn't poo for 2 days.
Being first time parents, we were trying our best not to be worried over it.
On the way home, i prayed for her, lay hands on her tummy, confess over her...
i did everything a spiritual mother would and could at that moment. :p

When we got home, her tummy was bloated and she was very uncomfortable
So i used a Indonesia traditional oil for the tummy that my friend recommended.
Having Peihua and Jo around, we googled for remedy.
Massaged her tummy, exercised her legs, did all we could...
and when she poo, we were so happy!
I never thought that for simple things like going to the toilet could bring so much joy!

However, the following day and the day after, she still did not poo..
We continue googling, exercising her legs everyday, massaging her tummy to ease the tension and discomfort..
Because she is only one month old, there's many things we cannot let her eat or try..

So here's some of the daily routines we can do and tried:
- Adding a bit of honey water to her milk (we only tried once, but realized that honey are HIGHLY not advisable for infant under 12 months)
- Constantly putting oil and rubbing her tummy each time we change diaper
- Massaging and exercising her legs in circular motion
- Diluting her milk with more water
- Praying for her

What makes meets the mark is when we tried the following:
1) Boil 10-15 grains of Ayam Chicken Brand Barley in a cup of water
2) After boiling, the amount of water should have dropped
3) Scoop out all barley grains as they will expand in the baby's tummy
4) Cool the barley solution
5) Use 30ml of the barley water to replace 30ml of the water you use to make your milk
6) The baby passed motion within 2 hours after drinking
(We only tried these once and because it's so effective, we don't advise to give this to the baby often to prevent stomach upset or diarrhea)

Subsequently, we went back to continuing with the daily routines to allow the body to slowly go into the motion of passing motion naturally.

It's been a week now and she has been passing motion naturally everyday!

How to go about adopting?

Quite a couple of people asked me about the adoption process in Singapore. So here goes:

#1: Adoption critical
- For couples, both parties got to agree and consent
- Can someone single adopt? Yes, but if you are a male, you cannot adopt a girl.
- Adopter has to be at least 25 years old, at least 21 years older than the child

#2: Sign up for the compulsory Pre-adoption workshop
Do not be afraid that, what if you are still unsure about whether to adopt?
This workshop will help you to better understand what to expect in an adoption, your responsibilities as adoptive parents and the needs of adopted child.
I highly encourage the couple to attend together so that both will be on the same page in terms of the information given.
Equipped with the information you need, it will be easier for the couple to discuss and pray through together before making the lifelong commitment and decision.

Sign up via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/WorkshopPARegistration.aspx

There are different agency providing this workshop that is accredited by the MSF. You can choose the one you prefer based on the date and timing and venue that suit you the most. Personally, Ivan and i went to Touch Family Services. :)

Note that there are also different workshops available, but be sure that you attend the 'Pre-Adoption Workshop' first :)

Once you have attended the workshop and have decided to proceed, go on to the next step.

#3: Apply for Home Study
Home Study is a compulsory study required by MSF. They are carried out by one of the accredited agency of your choice:
- Touch Family Services
- Lutheran Community Care
- Fei Yue Community Services
- Apkim Centre for Social Services

*Each agency have their own waiting period according to the amount of cases they have on hand.
* If you are planning to adopt from China, note that home study report is different and the only accredited agency to do the home study are Touch Family Services and Fei Yue Community Services.

You can submit your online application via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/ApplyForHomeStudy.aspx

#4: Submit hardcopy documents to agency 
There is a checklist of documents you will need to prepare at the end of the form.
Print out the checklist and be sure to prepare and get them ready.
Once ready, submit he hardcopy of everything together at the agency.
The faster you have all these documents ready, the faster they can process your application and arrange for the first interview.

#5: Start of Home Study
The Home Study is done over a period of 5 weeks from the day the first interview starts.
The first interview is often an office interview with someone from the agency. It will usually take one whole day so do keep the day free so that you will not be trying to rush off.

There's a payment of $1,500 that need to be paid, amount may vary slightly depending on agency.

#6: Sign up for disclosure workshop
Around this time, you should start to sign up for the next disclosure workshop.
This workshop is usually held by adoptive parents who shares their experiences and advise on how you can disclosure to your child about their birth.

Sign up via this link:
https://app.adoption.gov.sg/WorkshopPARegistration.aspx

#7: Written interview of selected friend and family member
A few people (family + friends) will receive a letter in their mailbox. They are required to answer the questions and mail it back asap. Their response time will affect and may delay the completion of your home study.

#8: Home interview
This is where the agency will send someone to interview you in your home, to see if the home is conducive, whether the people staying with you knows about the adoption and are supportive. When all these are done, you will then have to wait for the final report to be out.

#9: Collect Home Study Report
This is important because you cannot already have a child living with you without this report. It is illegal.

#10: Look for placement agency
Talk to the people you meet in the workshops, some may already have their adopted child and can advise on which agency they went to.
You can also join some forums where they will share their experiences with the agencies.
Personally, i was referred to my agent through one of the parent from the workshop.
My advise, do not go to multiple agencies because you do not want to be caught in between the agencies and do not know which to decide.
As we often say, adoption is not like going to the market to shop for a baby, so we are advise not to choose.

Some of you who knew the process we went through might wonder how come we get to 'choose'. Actually we didn't really wanted to be choosing. In short, what happened to us is this. We waited for a Malaysian baby girl, who turned out to be a boy after birth. Mentally we were preparing for a girl and so it came too shocking to us. So we waited for the next malaysian baby girl, when she was born, we were about to decide when there is another Singaporean going to be born. We decided to go for the Singaporean boy so that we could do cordlife bank for the baby which we think is very important. We proceed to apply for the cordlife bank for the baby even before he is born. After birth, the parents had issues and refuse to put the baby up for adoption which to some extend i think its a good thing if the parents want to keep him. Then the same weekend, a malaysian baby girl is coming to singapore and we arrange to see her even before any photo was sent to us. We went there expecting and knowing that we are going to go for it. And there, lay our baby Zara.

My advise, pray and trust God that He will bring the right baby to you. Though we went through quite a bit of waiting and ups and downs and ups and downs... We knew that baby Zara was reserved for us in a very special way and i believe that God has also reserved the best for you.

Hope these helps whoever has thought of adopting but do not know how to go about doing it. :)

DISCLAIMER: Please note that this post is NOT meant for advertising or encouraging/discouraging people to adopt and i am NOT advertising for any agencies. This post is purely for information purposes only.